Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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