Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
