she woke up with a sticky ear
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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