new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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