we have officially lost it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
