i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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