Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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