He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
