I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
