Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Randomize
