Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
