i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
