So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
