I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
