he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
