Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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