She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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