The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
