Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
