So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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