We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
