He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My balls are so social today.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
