wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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