dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
