youre lurking in front of me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
