we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
