I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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