Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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