Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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