I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
