my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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