Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
