I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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