I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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