the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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