Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
