Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
