Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
