I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
