I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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