so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
