you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
