Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
