remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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