Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
