Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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