Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
