everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
