The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
