Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
