The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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